It's nearly June...

It's nearly June....

Ryan is occupying my thoughts more and more lately.  I mean, I'm not saying that he doesn't occupy my mind a lot of the time, but lately, they are more persistent.  Usually I feel I have some control over my thoughts.  Something triggers a memory and I can savour the moment briefly, tears may come to my eyes but I can privately ebb back to reality without anyone noticing Ryan visited.  Now though....I feel I've lost that control.  I can't really pinpoint why though.  Admittedly, it's been a hectic and stressful time the last few weeks.  Not to mention having a man collapse in front of me and having to perform CPR - something I never wanted to have to do again.  That knocked me off my feet - but only for a few days. 

I guess the real issue is how Ryan is occupying my mind.  Up till now, it has always been memories - past treasured moments. Now though, it's the future Ryan will never have....

Next year, only 7 months away now, Ryan would have been commencing Prep.  He would have been going to the same school as his sister, the same place where I teach.  Next term, I would have been readying myself.  Purchasing uniforms, books, stationary....everything he needed.  His best mate Shane will be starting Prep.....it will be hard to watch, hard to share his mother's pride and joy.

I feel cheated.  I feel Ryan's been cheated.  He would have loved school and I know his sister would have loved sharing school with him.  I won't get to see him enjoying the Easter bonnet parade, I won't get numerous pieces of artwork to put on the fridge...oh it's so heart wrenching.

I try hard not to let myself wallow in the depths of despair.  I know I must be kind to myself and I know I still have two beautiful children who fill my life with much joy and love.  But sometimes.....the darkness comes and it doesn't matter how bright those stars are shining.

It's nearly June....