I am

I am...
A woman
with a full heart, hidden
Somewhere in an empty room...
with eyes not quite of autumn's gold, and yet
Neither all of summer's green.

I wonder...
If love is a tale made for children -
A granting of sweet dreams in their innocence -
A honey-coating to help their throats
choke down the bitter draught...

I hear...
A voice that whispers warnings, half-formed,
Bodiless as hope, until I swear I cannot draw
another breath unless this spectre be unmasked,
His lies mangled beneath my righteous tread...

I see...
A woman, proud, uncompromising,
Diaphanous as air - less, even, than the tears
that fall in desolation about her weary feet,
Salt poison pooled upon the withered ground...

I want...
A measure of quietude, a certain silence,
The echo of alone which heals me of dreaming,
The nothing that stills the wanting,
The numb, the cold that laughs at pain..
I am
a woman,
hidden...

I pretend...
That I can live forever - that time
has no puissance but that which I afford him -
and so, I can wait, I can be happy tomorrow,
Sleep is for the dead; but its ghosts haunt my waking...

I feel...
Too much - too deeply to be directionless,
Too real for imagining, and yet the familiar eyes
hold nothing of recognition - only my reflection -
a meeting of shadows in sunlit grass...

I touch...
The downy wings of hope, in wonder,
In reverence, in need, in hunger,
Alas, it burns my fingers as a flame,
A sacrilege, self defined...

I worry...
That I am alone, that in my longing,
I have forsaken all - but oh, what reward,
What smile devine should light the path to freedom -
And how can I but heed the siren's call?

I cry...
For having too much for fear of bursting,
and then, when by the pouring of my soul,
I lie, a vessel emptied, I cry again
For what was had, and lost;
I am
A woman
empty...

I understand...
That life is what you make it,
that sometimes, the coat of many colours
that marks your triumphs brightly, blends only
to loneliest of grey...

I say...
That we are made by life, shaped,
Broken perhaps - unmade and voided -
But always, the core of us remains, waiting
with only faith, with trust, to be reborn...

I dream...
Of bluest waters, reaching
with unnatural hands toward the faded sky,
Of dolphins that wander in seas without limits,
Carrying me water-breathing past corals and clouds...

I try...
To lead by example, knowing
That merely the telling holds no power;
A gift of giving is merely a day, while
A gift of knowing spans forever...

I hope...
That my darkness holds you gently,
That pain is halved by sharing, that feeling
wields nothing past the words it summons,
except that it touch you with only healing...
I am
A woman
Only.

Time Stood Still

Life is a tree, enduring harsh winters and blistering summers. For some time , I have not heard the chirping of birds or smelled the new growth as spring approached. Before you, I was enclosed in a dark stage of my life. My growth stopped, and my leaves turned brown as I wilted. But then, a day I will always remember came; a day when you entered my life. Once again, my flowers began to bloom and my leaves were no longer a dull brown, but an alive and fresh green. Hearing the sweet songs of the birds, and feeling the warm summer air brush my face, always brought a smile to my lips.

Many did not realise I was in this dark stage, for I hid my emotions, like a tree. I remained silent. Now, I listen to your tender voice...so warm...so comforting...just like the whispering wind as it blows across the land. It clears my head of troubles. I can feel your warmth as you hold me in your arms, like the sun beating down upon a tree. I stretched out my branches, welcoming the nourishing sun and let it penetrate deep into my soul; deep into my heart.

As I day dream of you now, I marvel at how amazing things are between us. Such a small change hoisted me out of my misery and redirected me to the sunny shores. In the depths of my heart, I know that the sun will not eternally burn and we may not also. When I think of myself going back into darkness, chills are sent throughout my soul. I feel a cold presence without pity or mercy. I've thought of it a lot, trying to find a way to fix the impending fate. As the time draws near, my hope falters, knowing the inevitable. Still, every day you look at me, and every day you fill me with contentment. Your confidence, and how you say that we will make it work, makes me realise that we all have a given amount of time and how we spend it is up to us. I can foresee that when I finally come to my senses, the time will be up.

Going against all logic and reasoning, the best idea is to just live life now and not think about the future. Every day is a gift of life and we all must spend it wisely. As for me, I feel I have made the right decision; to spend my time with a man who makes time stop for me...a man named Paul.

I love you...

I Believe

I believe in long, drenching downpours of rain that soak you through to the bone, leaving you in a shivering bout of ecstasy as you rush inside. I believe that dogs truly are a man’s (or a woman’s) best friend, that nature has its own song, that we’re all one candle short of candelabra.

I believe that poetry is the greatest form of writing and shouldn’t be taken for granted because of its ubiquity. I believe it isn’t fair for children to be smarter than their parents, that you shouldn’t be shunned for what you fear, just understood, that all animals talk in their own special ways, that we, alone, can never achieve world peace.

I believe the end of the world is nigh, that there’s a chance we’re “not alone”, that there’s something to laugh about in everything. I believe that laughter is the best medicine. I believe in love at second sight, and third, and fourth. I believe in second chances. I believe that we choose our own soul mates, that we’re not predestined, that there’s something to love in everyone.

I believe that the Bible is for the Christian as the thesaurus is for the Writer. I believe that school should focus more on the arts instead of sports. I believe we should have Sustained Silent Reading in every class, that spiders are nuisances.

I believe that, though disastrous, cyclones truly are a blessing for they bring everyone together to care for the injured and fix the destruction it left behind. I believe that tornadoes are beautiful and fascinating. I believe that darkness is the cover of iniquity. I believe that no one deserves to be alone.

I believe in being afraid of the dark. I believe that monsters do exist. I believe everyone should experience love. I believe that everyone falls in love at least once in their lifetime.

I believe in sipping soothing, hot, sugary cocoa on a cold winter’s day. I believe in building snowmen out of dirt and still calling it a snowman. I believe that the mind is a precious thing and that too many people take it for granted. I believe that talents should be expressed, not suppressed.

I believe most of us hide our insecurities in laughter. I believe those of us who seem nonchalant are suppressing a hurt that can never be cured. I believe that the rain is the best form of a shower, that thunder and lightning aren’t seen for their pulchritude, but for their ability to frighten.

I believe in staring up at the night sky. I believe in requited love. I believe that a picture tells a million words. I believe in being intimidated, in falling in love at no sight. I believe in being yourself regardless of what others think. I believe in swimming against the current, in walking up the down escalator, in overanalyzing everything.

I believe in trying to find a place in life. I believe in crying over nothing, in laughing when you’re sad. I believe in thinking about nothing in particular, in daydreaming at work. I believe smiles are well spent and well given. I believe that my dog smiles at me when I pet her, and loves me unconditionally. I believe animals sense the truth in everyone. I believe that my dog listens to me when I talk to her and tells me her opinion in her own way.

I believe that parents would understand if they knew how. I believe in running through the grass barefoot on a summer day as the sprinklers drench me with water. I believe in being a child again. I believe that when someone says they hate someone, deep down they truly love them and wish to know them. I believe in standing up for yourself even if the odds are against you.

I believe in writing a song with my heart and giving it to someone I hold dear. I believe in striving to be my best, even when I'm at my worst. I believe that crying isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength, for it takes guts to let everyone else see you cry...

Here I am....

Well here I am, the evening before what would have been Ryan's 4th birthday...

To say I'm in a state of emotional turmoil would be an understatement. Memories of Ryan bring me much joy and deep sorrow at the same time. Paul and Tegan picked up some balloons today with the number 4 on them ready to release tomorrow to our heavenly angel. I smile at the thought but it pulls at my heart. Oh how he loved balloons.

I find myself feeling somewhat relieved also which confuses me somewhat. The build up to the day, I sometimes feel, is worse than the day itself. Having said that, I cannot predict how I will wake in the morning. The tears will come I'm sure, but I know I can smile through them.

I wish I could kiss him goodnight and say "tomorrow when you open your eyes you will be 4!" To look upon him as he slept knowing I will never see him as a 3 year old again. It's a moment I'm sure all parents treasure.

Instead, tomorrow when I open my eyes I will be....

Oh I love you so much Ryan. Look for the balloons!

Dread

The weekend is approaching fast and I feel a mixture of dread and overwhelming sadness. Ryan's birthday falls on this Sunday, 25th October. He would be turning four. The questions are coming by the bucket load "what would he look like now?", "would his favourite colour still be red?", "how would we have spent his special day?", "what would I have bought him?" Oh they're never ending.

We will no doubt bake a cake like last year and release balloons covered in birthday messages just for Ryan but no matter how we spend the day, the tears will flow and the heart will break just that little bit more. Remembering the day he came into the world...hearing his first cry, looking into his eyes, touching his soft skin. All memories that I'm terrified will fade with time. It's a horrible feeling worrying that one day I may forget what his voice sounded like, that I will forget the smell of his hair, the feel of his cheek against mine. Memories are all I have left of Ryan.

It's difficult to approach the day with any level of optimism but I place incredible pressure on myself to smile. Letting myself cry and fall apart, to me, is a sign of weakness. I know I have every right to be miserable but Ryan wouldn't want me to spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself and missing him like crazy. He would want me outside enjoying the sun, living as he would have lived, running through sprinklers, building a sandcastle or chasing insects. It's difficult to do when every moment is tainted with guilt. Every smile or bout of laughter feels like a betrayal of Ryan's memory. If I smile and laugh does this mean my love for my son has lessened? Did he not mean enough to me? Oh the emotions are so conflicting.

This time of year feels like a downhill slope. Ryan's birthday in October and then the fast approaching anniversary of his death in December. My subconscious gnaws away at me day after day. I don't consciously count down the days but just knowing it's October is obviously enough. If it wasn't for Tegan, I'm not sure I would find the strength to get out of bed on Sunday. Joy will be her main emotion with only a touch of sadness. She will sing happy birthday to him and blow out his candle and her face will be glowing with pride. She will make a wish - no doubt the same as last year "I wish Ryan was still alive" Oh darling, me too, me too....

Fortune sides with those who dare?

Life is short. For some, too short.

So knowing how short life is...why is it that some people feel the need to push the limits to the point of putting their own lives in jeopardy? I'm not talking about the every day risks that people take in order to progress or gain something. I totally support the idea that certain risks need to be taken in order for lessons to be learnt and growth be made BUT to put your life at risk? Hmmmm

I am struggling to understand how Jessica Watson's parents could allow their 16 year old daughter to attempt sailing around the world solo. Perhaps the only reason this leaves my mouth agape is because I know the unbearable pain it causes to lose a child but it still astounds me. Just last night on 60 Minutes, Jessica's father was asked how he would feel if she was not to survive the voyage. His response shocked me "Oh we would of course be devastated but to not let her do something she loves would be worse" Um, excuse me? How could there be ANYTHING worse than losing your daughter?

So what's this all about? Is it for fame? I tend to have more understanding of why Jessica wants to do this than how her parents could possibly let her. She's young, she's passionate, she feels invincible but who is she trying to prove herself to? Herself? Her parents? Does she feel she has to prove to the world that she is worth more than others think she is? An attempt to boost her own self-esteem? Oh the mind boggles.

I truly hope that Jessica has a safe journey and returns to her family and friends. Her personal growth will be extensive and her tales of adventure unbelievable. If she doesn't return....well I hope her parents find comfort in the words "she died doing what she loved".

Somehow I know, that just won't cut it.

Goal Setting

Ok, goal setting sure isn't easy. I don't want to set the bar too high for fear of failure (see, there's that high achiever in me again) nor do I want to make them too easy or I will quickly bore. So, to try and work out what is that I want, I have broken the big picture into categories under these titles:

ARTISTIC
I desperately want to buy a piano so I continue composing music. I would also consider the possibility of one day writing 'My Story'

ATTITUDE/PHYSICAL
I asked myself this question "Is there any part of my mindset holding me back?" HELL YES! I have very poor self confidence both in terms of my appearance and my ability to accomplish things. Hence why I have found myself in a rut for sometime. I want to lose weight but don't believe in myself enough to do it so nothing changes and I keep going around and around in circles! I want to improve this! I want my self confidence back! This is the goal I want to focus on immediately. I will dedicate at least 1 hour each day for physical activity and focus on a healthy diet. I want to lose 10% of my weight by the New Year.

CAREER/EDUCATION
Within the next 10 years I want to further my education in the area of social work. Possibly leading to a position as Guidance Officer within Education Qld. I don't think teaching alone will be enough to satisfy me for a further 10 years.

FAMILY
I would like to have at least one more child before I am 35.

FINANCIAL
Within the next five years I want to be in the financial position that enables me to purchase a house. This invovles me establishing a long term savings plan.

PLEASURE
I must make time for me! Whether it be writing this blog, listening to music, whatever! I don't want to feel guilty for taking time out. I plan on putting 'me time' on the priority list and no more guilt trips because I haven't folded the clothes or something yet (This is going to be a tough one!).

So there it is. I think I have covered most areas of my life that I want to improve but I'm aware the goal posts will be continually shifting. Finally I have tackled my indecisiveness and procrastination head on. No more excuses! Tomorrow is the start of a new me!

Another Day

The sun rises. Another day begins filled with unknowns. What to do? How do I tackle the indecisiveness that envelops me? It's difficult to comprehend the power of the subconscious but to submit to drugs screams defeat. Apparently, according to my GP, I'm suffering postnatal depression. My first reaction is outright denial - not me! Sure, I have been through tough times but I've always come out the other side. I've always been strong enough to push my way through, to see the glimmer of light that seeps through the fog. It's coming up to two years without my little man. Two years since he tragically drowned in our backyard pool. I didn't cushion the pain with drugs then, so why would I need to now? I should be happy. Actually, I am happy. I'm just extremely agitated with the world. My 6 year old daughter is a ray of sunshine in my life, along with her 11 week old brother. The man I share my life with is my one and only - my soul mate, my lover, my best friend, my confider and more often than not, my strength. I am blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. So, how is it that I suddenly find myself labelled? Labelled with a mental illness that leaves me feeling inadequate and a feeling of overwhelming failure. My life, compared to many, is wonderful. I feel like a hypocrite. I look around me and see how much I have, so many beautiful things that money can't buy. I am surrounded with LOVE and I've plenty in my heart to share with those dear to me. So where has this self-loathing come from? Sure, I have a few extra kilos I need to shake off and I know the high achiever in me often lays the pressure on thick but am I depressed? If I voice my feelings that do not necessarily conform to the norm, does this make me depressed? If I cry because past hurts creep to the surface, does this make me depressed? If my needs are high and my patience is low does this make me depressed? Look, don't get me wrong, I know I'm not myself. I know that right now I am weak but I do not believe I need a drug to alter my thoughts and feelings. To me, both of these are justified and I am entitled to not always feel my best. I do not want to submit to a drug. I believe I have the power within me to improve my own life. I have survived a lot of pain and suffering up till now, as have many. I KNOW if I really WANT to, that I CAN help myself. So how am I going to do this? Apparently I need goals....these are hard to identify and require much thought. So, another day, filled with unknowns...what do I want? Today is goal forming day...