Another Day

The sun rises. Another day begins filled with unknowns. What to do? How do I tackle the indecisiveness that envelops me? It's difficult to comprehend the power of the subconscious but to submit to drugs screams defeat. Apparently, according to my GP, I'm suffering postnatal depression. My first reaction is outright denial - not me! Sure, I have been through tough times but I've always come out the other side. I've always been strong enough to push my way through, to see the glimmer of light that seeps through the fog. It's coming up to two years without my little man. Two years since he tragically drowned in our backyard pool. I didn't cushion the pain with drugs then, so why would I need to now? I should be happy. Actually, I am happy. I'm just extremely agitated with the world. My 6 year old daughter is a ray of sunshine in my life, along with her 11 week old brother. The man I share my life with is my one and only - my soul mate, my lover, my best friend, my confider and more often than not, my strength. I am blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. So, how is it that I suddenly find myself labelled? Labelled with a mental illness that leaves me feeling inadequate and a feeling of overwhelming failure. My life, compared to many, is wonderful. I feel like a hypocrite. I look around me and see how much I have, so many beautiful things that money can't buy. I am surrounded with LOVE and I've plenty in my heart to share with those dear to me. So where has this self-loathing come from? Sure, I have a few extra kilos I need to shake off and I know the high achiever in me often lays the pressure on thick but am I depressed? If I voice my feelings that do not necessarily conform to the norm, does this make me depressed? If I cry because past hurts creep to the surface, does this make me depressed? If my needs are high and my patience is low does this make me depressed? Look, don't get me wrong, I know I'm not myself. I know that right now I am weak but I do not believe I need a drug to alter my thoughts and feelings. To me, both of these are justified and I am entitled to not always feel my best. I do not want to submit to a drug. I believe I have the power within me to improve my own life. I have survived a lot of pain and suffering up till now, as have many. I KNOW if I really WANT to, that I CAN help myself. So how am I going to do this? Apparently I need goals....these are hard to identify and require much thought. So, another day, filled with unknowns...what do I want? Today is goal forming day...