Dread

The weekend is approaching fast and I feel a mixture of dread and overwhelming sadness. Ryan's birthday falls on this Sunday, 25th October. He would be turning four. The questions are coming by the bucket load "what would he look like now?", "would his favourite colour still be red?", "how would we have spent his special day?", "what would I have bought him?" Oh they're never ending.

We will no doubt bake a cake like last year and release balloons covered in birthday messages just for Ryan but no matter how we spend the day, the tears will flow and the heart will break just that little bit more. Remembering the day he came into the world...hearing his first cry, looking into his eyes, touching his soft skin. All memories that I'm terrified will fade with time. It's a horrible feeling worrying that one day I may forget what his voice sounded like, that I will forget the smell of his hair, the feel of his cheek against mine. Memories are all I have left of Ryan.

It's difficult to approach the day with any level of optimism but I place incredible pressure on myself to smile. Letting myself cry and fall apart, to me, is a sign of weakness. I know I have every right to be miserable but Ryan wouldn't want me to spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself and missing him like crazy. He would want me outside enjoying the sun, living as he would have lived, running through sprinklers, building a sandcastle or chasing insects. It's difficult to do when every moment is tainted with guilt. Every smile or bout of laughter feels like a betrayal of Ryan's memory. If I smile and laugh does this mean my love for my son has lessened? Did he not mean enough to me? Oh the emotions are so conflicting.

This time of year feels like a downhill slope. Ryan's birthday in October and then the fast approaching anniversary of his death in December. My subconscious gnaws away at me day after day. I don't consciously count down the days but just knowing it's October is obviously enough. If it wasn't for Tegan, I'm not sure I would find the strength to get out of bed on Sunday. Joy will be her main emotion with only a touch of sadness. She will sing happy birthday to him and blow out his candle and her face will be glowing with pride. She will make a wish - no doubt the same as last year "I wish Ryan was still alive" Oh darling, me too, me too....