Well here I am, the evening before what would have been Ryan's 4th birthday...
To say I'm in a state of emotional turmoil would be an understatement. Memories of Ryan bring me much joy and deep sorrow at the same time. Paul and Tegan picked up some balloons today with the number 4 on them ready to release tomorrow to our heavenly angel. I smile at the thought but it pulls at my heart. Oh how he loved balloons.
I find myself feeling somewhat relieved also which confuses me somewhat. The build up to the day, I sometimes feel, is worse than the day itself. Having said that, I cannot predict how I will wake in the morning. The tears will come I'm sure, but I know I can smile through them.
I wish I could kiss him goodnight and say "tomorrow when you open your eyes you will be 4!" To look upon him as he slept knowing I will never see him as a 3 year old again. It's a moment I'm sure all parents treasure.
Instead, tomorrow when I open my eyes I will be....
Oh I love you so much Ryan. Look for the balloons!
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Lauren
ReplyDeleteI read your posts and I understand because I feel the same. I think we will never fully understand the complexity of the emotional pain we endure after losing a child but I do know that we will be here for each other, parents from all over the world bound together by our loss. We all cry together on every angel child's birthday, sharing our pain and admiring each other for making it through the next day, because we know.
Love
Alison