Well here I am, the evening before what would have been Ryan's 4th birthday...
To say I'm in a state of emotional turmoil would be an understatement. Memories of Ryan bring me much joy and deep sorrow at the same time. Paul and Tegan picked up some balloons today with the number 4 on them ready to release tomorrow to our heavenly angel. I smile at the thought but it pulls at my heart. Oh how he loved balloons.
I find myself feeling somewhat relieved also which confuses me somewhat. The build up to the day, I sometimes feel, is worse than the day itself. Having said that, I cannot predict how I will wake in the morning. The tears will come I'm sure, but I know I can smile through them.
I wish I could kiss him goodnight and say "tomorrow when you open your eyes you will be 4!" To look upon him as he slept knowing I will never see him as a 3 year old again. It's a moment I'm sure all parents treasure.
Instead, tomorrow when I open my eyes I will be....
Oh I love you so much Ryan. Look for the balloons!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Dread
The weekend is approaching fast and I feel a mixture of dread and overwhelming sadness. Ryan's birthday falls on this Sunday, 25th October. He would be turning four. The questions are coming by the bucket load "what would he look like now?", "would his favourite colour still be red?", "how would we have spent his special day?", "what would I have bought him?" Oh they're never ending.
We will no doubt bake a cake like last year and release balloons covered in birthday messages just for Ryan but no matter how we spend the day, the tears will flow and the heart will break just that little bit more. Remembering the day he came into the world...hearing his first cry, looking into his eyes, touching his soft skin. All memories that I'm terrified will fade with time. It's a horrible feeling worrying that one day I may forget what his voice sounded like, that I will forget the smell of his hair, the feel of his cheek against mine. Memories are all I have left of Ryan.
It's difficult to approach the day with any level of optimism but I place incredible pressure on myself to smile. Letting myself cry and fall apart, to me, is a sign of weakness. I know I have every right to be miserable but Ryan wouldn't want me to spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself and missing him like crazy. He would want me outside enjoying the sun, living as he would have lived, running through sprinklers, building a sandcastle or chasing insects. It's difficult to do when every moment is tainted with guilt. Every smile or bout of laughter feels like a betrayal of Ryan's memory. If I smile and laugh does this mean my love for my son has lessened? Did he not mean enough to me? Oh the emotions are so conflicting.
This time of year feels like a downhill slope. Ryan's birthday in October and then the fast approaching anniversary of his death in December. My subconscious gnaws away at me day after day. I don't consciously count down the days but just knowing it's October is obviously enough. If it wasn't for Tegan, I'm not sure I would find the strength to get out of bed on Sunday. Joy will be her main emotion with only a touch of sadness. She will sing happy birthday to him and blow out his candle and her face will be glowing with pride. She will make a wish - no doubt the same as last year "I wish Ryan was still alive" Oh darling, me too, me too....
We will no doubt bake a cake like last year and release balloons covered in birthday messages just for Ryan but no matter how we spend the day, the tears will flow and the heart will break just that little bit more. Remembering the day he came into the world...hearing his first cry, looking into his eyes, touching his soft skin. All memories that I'm terrified will fade with time. It's a horrible feeling worrying that one day I may forget what his voice sounded like, that I will forget the smell of his hair, the feel of his cheek against mine. Memories are all I have left of Ryan.
It's difficult to approach the day with any level of optimism but I place incredible pressure on myself to smile. Letting myself cry and fall apart, to me, is a sign of weakness. I know I have every right to be miserable but Ryan wouldn't want me to spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself and missing him like crazy. He would want me outside enjoying the sun, living as he would have lived, running through sprinklers, building a sandcastle or chasing insects. It's difficult to do when every moment is tainted with guilt. Every smile or bout of laughter feels like a betrayal of Ryan's memory. If I smile and laugh does this mean my love for my son has lessened? Did he not mean enough to me? Oh the emotions are so conflicting.
This time of year feels like a downhill slope. Ryan's birthday in October and then the fast approaching anniversary of his death in December. My subconscious gnaws away at me day after day. I don't consciously count down the days but just knowing it's October is obviously enough. If it wasn't for Tegan, I'm not sure I would find the strength to get out of bed on Sunday. Joy will be her main emotion with only a touch of sadness. She will sing happy birthday to him and blow out his candle and her face will be glowing with pride. She will make a wish - no doubt the same as last year "I wish Ryan was still alive" Oh darling, me too, me too....
Monday, October 19, 2009
Fortune sides with those who dare?
Life is short. For some, too short.
So knowing how short life is...why is it that some people feel the need to push the limits to the point of putting their own lives in jeopardy? I'm not talking about the every day risks that people take in order to progress or gain something. I totally support the idea that certain risks need to be taken in order for lessons to be learnt and growth be made BUT to put your life at risk? Hmmmm
I am struggling to understand how Jessica Watson's parents could allow their 16 year old daughter to attempt sailing around the world solo. Perhaps the only reason this leaves my mouth agape is because I know the unbearable pain it causes to lose a child but it still astounds me. Just last night on 60 Minutes, Jessica's father was asked how he would feel if she was not to survive the voyage. His response shocked me "Oh we would of course be devastated but to not let her do something she loves would be worse" Um, excuse me? How could there be ANYTHING worse than losing your daughter?
So what's this all about? Is it for fame? I tend to have more understanding of why Jessica wants to do this than how her parents could possibly let her. She's young, she's passionate, she feels invincible but who is she trying to prove herself to? Herself? Her parents? Does she feel she has to prove to the world that she is worth more than others think she is? An attempt to boost her own self-esteem? Oh the mind boggles.
I truly hope that Jessica has a safe journey and returns to her family and friends. Her personal growth will be extensive and her tales of adventure unbelievable. If she doesn't return....well I hope her parents find comfort in the words "she died doing what she loved".
Somehow I know, that just won't cut it.
So knowing how short life is...why is it that some people feel the need to push the limits to the point of putting their own lives in jeopardy? I'm not talking about the every day risks that people take in order to progress or gain something. I totally support the idea that certain risks need to be taken in order for lessons to be learnt and growth be made BUT to put your life at risk? Hmmmm
I am struggling to understand how Jessica Watson's parents could allow their 16 year old daughter to attempt sailing around the world solo. Perhaps the only reason this leaves my mouth agape is because I know the unbearable pain it causes to lose a child but it still astounds me. Just last night on 60 Minutes, Jessica's father was asked how he would feel if she was not to survive the voyage. His response shocked me "Oh we would of course be devastated but to not let her do something she loves would be worse" Um, excuse me? How could there be ANYTHING worse than losing your daughter?
So what's this all about? Is it for fame? I tend to have more understanding of why Jessica wants to do this than how her parents could possibly let her. She's young, she's passionate, she feels invincible but who is she trying to prove herself to? Herself? Her parents? Does she feel she has to prove to the world that she is worth more than others think she is? An attempt to boost her own self-esteem? Oh the mind boggles.
I truly hope that Jessica has a safe journey and returns to her family and friends. Her personal growth will be extensive and her tales of adventure unbelievable. If she doesn't return....well I hope her parents find comfort in the words "she died doing what she loved".
Somehow I know, that just won't cut it.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Goal Setting
Ok, goal setting sure isn't easy. I don't want to set the bar too high for fear of failure (see, there's that high achiever in me again) nor do I want to make them too easy or I will quickly bore. So, to try and work out what is that I want, I have broken the big picture into categories under these titles:
ARTISTIC
I desperately want to buy a piano so I continue composing music. I would also consider the possibility of one day writing 'My Story'
ATTITUDE/PHYSICAL
I asked myself this question "Is there any part of my mindset holding me back?" HELL YES! I have very poor self confidence both in terms of my appearance and my ability to accomplish things. Hence why I have found myself in a rut for sometime. I want to lose weight but don't believe in myself enough to do it so nothing changes and I keep going around and around in circles! I want to improve this! I want my self confidence back! This is the goal I want to focus on immediately. I will dedicate at least 1 hour each day for physical activity and focus on a healthy diet. I want to lose 10% of my weight by the New Year.
CAREER/EDUCATION
Within the next 10 years I want to further my education in the area of social work. Possibly leading to a position as Guidance Officer within Education Qld. I don't think teaching alone will be enough to satisfy me for a further 10 years.
FAMILY
I would like to have at least one more child before I am 35.
FINANCIAL
Within the next five years I want to be in the financial position that enables me to purchase a house. This invovles me establishing a long term savings plan.
PLEASURE
I must make time for me! Whether it be writing this blog, listening to music, whatever! I don't want to feel guilty for taking time out. I plan on putting 'me time' on the priority list and no more guilt trips because I haven't folded the clothes or something yet (This is going to be a tough one!).
So there it is. I think I have covered most areas of my life that I want to improve but I'm aware the goal posts will be continually shifting. Finally I have tackled my indecisiveness and procrastination head on. No more excuses! Tomorrow is the start of a new me!
ARTISTIC
I desperately want to buy a piano so I continue composing music. I would also consider the possibility of one day writing 'My Story'
ATTITUDE/PHYSICAL
I asked myself this question "Is there any part of my mindset holding me back?" HELL YES! I have very poor self confidence both in terms of my appearance and my ability to accomplish things. Hence why I have found myself in a rut for sometime. I want to lose weight but don't believe in myself enough to do it so nothing changes and I keep going around and around in circles! I want to improve this! I want my self confidence back! This is the goal I want to focus on immediately. I will dedicate at least 1 hour each day for physical activity and focus on a healthy diet. I want to lose 10% of my weight by the New Year.
CAREER/EDUCATION
Within the next 10 years I want to further my education in the area of social work. Possibly leading to a position as Guidance Officer within Education Qld. I don't think teaching alone will be enough to satisfy me for a further 10 years.
FAMILY
I would like to have at least one more child before I am 35.
FINANCIAL
Within the next five years I want to be in the financial position that enables me to purchase a house. This invovles me establishing a long term savings plan.
PLEASURE
I must make time for me! Whether it be writing this blog, listening to music, whatever! I don't want to feel guilty for taking time out. I plan on putting 'me time' on the priority list and no more guilt trips because I haven't folded the clothes or something yet (This is going to be a tough one!).
So there it is. I think I have covered most areas of my life that I want to improve but I'm aware the goal posts will be continually shifting. Finally I have tackled my indecisiveness and procrastination head on. No more excuses! Tomorrow is the start of a new me!
Another Day
The sun rises. Another day begins filled with unknowns. What to do? How do I tackle the indecisiveness that envelops me? It's difficult to comprehend the power of the subconscious but to submit to drugs screams defeat. Apparently, according to my GP, I'm suffering postnatal depression. My first reaction is outright denial - not me! Sure, I have been through tough times but I've always come out the other side. I've always been strong enough to push my way through, to see the glimmer of light that seeps through the fog. It's coming up to two years without my little man. Two years since he tragically drowned in our backyard pool. I didn't cushion the pain with drugs then, so why would I need to now? I should be happy. Actually, I am happy. I'm just extremely agitated with the world. My 6 year old daughter is a ray of sunshine in my life, along with her 11 week old brother. The man I share my life with is my one and only - my soul mate, my lover, my best friend, my confider and more often than not, my strength. I am blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. So, how is it that I suddenly find myself labelled? Labelled with a mental illness that leaves me feeling inadequate and a feeling of overwhelming failure. My life, compared to many, is wonderful. I feel like a hypocrite. I look around me and see how much I have, so many beautiful things that money can't buy. I am surrounded with LOVE and I've plenty in my heart to share with those dear to me. So where has this self-loathing come from? Sure, I have a few extra kilos I need to shake off and I know the high achiever in me often lays the pressure on thick but am I depressed? If I voice my feelings that do not necessarily conform to the norm, does this make me depressed? If I cry because past hurts creep to the surface, does this make me depressed? If my needs are high and my patience is low does this make me depressed? Look, don't get me wrong, I know I'm not myself. I know that right now I am weak but I do not believe I need a drug to alter my thoughts and feelings. To me, both of these are justified and I am entitled to not always feel my best. I do not want to submit to a drug. I believe I have the power within me to improve my own life. I have survived a lot of pain and suffering up till now, as have many. I KNOW if I really WANT to, that I CAN help myself. So how am I going to do this? Apparently I need goals....these are hard to identify and require much thought. So, another day, filled with unknowns...what do I want? Today is goal forming day...
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